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Saturday, 25 June 2011

A list of 5 things that get on my wick.

Just a few things that really grind my gears.

1. People that use the entire pavement (sidewalk) to trundle along slower than a slug. Don't mind me, it's not like I have a life to lead. Do these people do this on purpose? Did I somehow offend them without knowing, and their idea of retribution is walking in front of me, weaving slightly side to side to side so I essentially come to a standstill because of their retardedness? Have I offended a higher power, and he punishes me each day by making me waste half my free time standing behind one of his minions, waddling along like a special needs penguin? Why? WHY? GET OUT OF THE WAY. One of these days I will dropkick somebody in the back of the head. It's not difficult, walk on one side, walk at a decent pace, if somebody is behind you and CLEARLY in a hurry/faster, fucking move. Christs sake.

2. People who feel the need to tell you about every single thing that goes on in their life via Facebook/Twitter. It sounds hypocritical writing this on a blog, but my posts don't consist of:

Grace is having a poo @home (10 minutes ago).
Grace woo, finished my poo! (7 minutes ago).
Grace think I still have a bit of poo inside. (4 minutes ago).
Grace is having a poo @home. (2 minutes ago).

GET OFF THE FUCKING INTERNET. I don't give a shit (hurr) what you're doing. Facebook should be limited to 1-2 posts per day and should consist of IMPORTANT things, or at least things more interesting than your bowel movements. Thanks for clogging up my entire wall with moronisms. These people should not be allowed to use the internet until they can control their urge to tell everybody about the smallest, inane happenings of their lives.

3. Being a regular gym user (3-4 times a week), I often come across people or things that irritate me. A future blog is going to be focused completely on gym stories. But none irritate more so than the 'half arser'. The 'half arser' is a key component of any gym and it appears to be a legal requirement that every gym must have, any all times, at least one half arser in occupation. The half arser is easily spotted. He/she is the person sat on the bikes with a magazine, looking bored, not sweating in the slightest. Walk past one of these people and you'll pretty much always see the resistance or difficulty is minimum. After about 20-30 minutes of moving their legs around, the half arser will often move onto other weights. And yep, you guessed it. Minimal weights, no resistance, no real effort. After about half an hour of this facade, the half arser will wipe some non-existant sweat off his/her head and head home, blatently dying to tell all his/her friends about how often they 'work out'. If you're a half arser, you may as well stay at home and lift the remote a few times. It'll be cheaper and you won't hog the machines for people who want to do real exercise. Jog on.

4. Keith Lemon. Everybody loves him, but I have no idea why. He's a loud, unfunny bastard. I'm aware he's a fictional character and it is a front but it's a terrible one. He just isn't funny. Why is he constantly shouting and talking in a moronic voice? And now he's been moved to the mainstream channels where his annoying squealing stupid voice pierces my eardrums weekly. I don't understand why he's popular, are the public really turning into herp derp simpletons who find a man acting like a pleb, and an unfunny pleb at that, hilarious? I just don't understand. Please stop being on TV you untalented, irritating sack of shit.

5. ppl hu tlk l1k3 dis lol. What the fuck. I can sort of understand if you shorten a word, such as 'u', I do this when I'm texting quickly. But sometimes people ADD LETTERS TO THE ORIGINAL WORD AND MAKE IT LONGER. Spelt wrong AND more letters. What the actual fuck. Do you want everyone to think that you're a retard? Do you want to come across as an uneducated, illiterate troll? Because that's what it looks like. Also, adding letters to the end of a word is not 'awesome' at all, it just makes you look like a 13 year old girl.

Keep smilin'.

Friday, 24 June 2011


Welcome to my new blog where I vent my frustrations at various things, both internet based and real life. I'll try my best to be funny with this and entertain everybody as best I can, this is for the amusement of all.

I'm not a typically angry guy, quite laid back, I'd say. But there are just certain triggers in life that can just made my head implode with rage, even if on the outside I maintain my cool, sophisticated expression.

You should see over the coming bloggings what rages me, and I hope you enjoy one mans constant battle to avoid killing somebody through pure unadulterated fury.